Wednesday, January 09, 2013

Q&A: John Boehner's House of Romance

Jan. 9, 2013

(Editor's note: United States Speaker of the House and relationship expert John Boehner was kind enough to join us today to answer your questions on love and heartbreak ... and heartbreak, especially heartbreak. Thank you, John, and also to our readers for their tremendous questions. We apologize for any that may have gone unanswered.)

Speaker Boehner,
My husband obstructs me on everything. I obstruct him on everything. The brinksmanship frightens our children, but it is also the lifeblood that sustains us. Any advice?

Difficult in Dover

Dear Difficult,
Double down. The only way to get what you want is to be as unyielding as possible. Threaten to take the family to the brink of disaster, only to pull back at the very last moment when you both come to a resolution that could have been reached early on. The lasting distaste you will harbor toward each other will power you through to the next disagreement. Going through life with white knuckles, a red face and complete disdain for the ones you are supposed to love are all perfectly healthy. When necessary, cry for sympathy and then go for the knees.

John

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Speaker Boehner,
Eight years ago while on a business trip, I spoke to a woman on the bus for 15 minutes. They were the most amazing 15 minutes of my life. Over these past few years, I have managed to convince myself that had I asked her name, we would be married now, but I did not. Her stop came first and I have been punishing myself ever since. She said, "I'll see you later." Those are the only words I hear when I awake in the morning and go to bed at night. Should I forgive myself? How do I move on?

Arrrrrgh in Arlington

Dear Arrrrrgh,
Well, that's irrational. You screwed up, and it is your responsibility. Don't try to freeload joyful emotions off the rest of us. You had your chance. So how about this? The imagination is the most combustible instrument of emotional self-immolation available to human beings. Use it. Think of the birthdays, the anniversaries, the children, the dog, the cat, the happiness, the sadness, the trips to your favorite restaurant, the vacations. All of it. I recommend obsessing and obsessing some more. Do not think of anything or anyone other than the one you long to see just once more, just so you can get it right -- this time. Consider how that bus ride was the most significant lost moment of your life and how you will never, ever get it back. It will build moral fiber.

John

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Speaker Boehner,
I currently find myself in a rather atypical long-distance relationship. You see, I am time-traveler and I met Alice on a trip to 1868. She understands the situation, I understand the situation, but the expanses of time are much more difficult to overcome than a few states. I can't even Skype across the space-time continuum! It would be one thing if I lived in L.A. and she in Boston (which actually is the case), but I trudge through every day knowing Alice is not even alive in my time. I mean, my God, I looked it up in the dusty public records at the Boston Public Library (It's not like I could just go creep around her Facebook page and scroll through all her daguerreotypes for hours, while accidentally liking one from 1864, which would be incredibly awkward and demand an uncomfortable explanation, you know? Have I thought about this? Yes, I've thought about this.), and you know what I learned? She died of cholera in 1871! She has been dead for 142 years! I wish I did not know that. What do I do?

Longing in Los Angeles

Dear Longing,
Time machine, time machine. First of all, I am going to have my editor get you in contact with Arrrrrgh in Arlington. I'm feeling sympathetic all of a sudden. It's a strange sensation. But regarding your question, how about this: You. Have. A. Time. Machine. You have mastered the unmasterable and the fact you didn't advertise the hell out of this reality tells me all I need to know about you. Get in your little time machine and ask her to go with you to an age where cholera does not exist. Problem solved. Screw the butterfly effect. Time is a property imagined by humans anyway, and it's OK to be proactive once in a while. Half the time, I don't know why I put myself through this.

John

Saturday, August 04, 2007

Six good and four bad from the trip

It's been a couple days, but more than 3,200 miles and nine states later, I have returned to Indiana. This is fine, I suppose, although I miss the mountains.

Good

1. The Rocky Mountains. I am fond of them. It was especially nice to stand on the top of a mountain, 12,000 feet above sea level, look to the east, point and yell "HAHA!" to my poor co-workers who were dealing with racing stories.

2. Finding homestyle fries at the Fort Morgan, Colo. Arby's. It's good to know at least one Arby's hasn't imprisoned its customers to an indefinite tortuous fate of curly fries. Seemingly, they are the lone holdouts in the country. Or at least the parts of the country I have seen. So if you don't want to eat crappy fries, go to Fort Morgan. It's in the middle of nowhere in northeastern Colorado, but it's worth it.

3. The Cubs, Royals, Rockies and Twins won, while the Cardinals, Yankees, Dodgers and Brewers lost.

4. On the newspaper stands at a rest stop in extremely rural Missouri, I saw next to USA Today, various car traders and "Diabetes 101," a publication called "Country Singles." Due to the potential of being alternately terrified and struck by bouts of manic laughter at the gems that lay within, I bought a copy. I was not disappointed. The "incarcerated" section of personal ads (under the heading, "ATTENTION READERS: Please DO NOT, repeat, DO NOT send money to any of the incarcerated!! Thank you for your cooperation!!!") was my favorite. One SWF imprisoned in Nevada said she is, "Willing to relocate."

5. Kansas and Nebraska. While they are both mind-numbingly long and were key contributors to plunging our nation into a Civil War due to the Kansas-Nebraska Act (although, if my mid-19th century history is correct, it can be blamed more on the pro-slavery "border ruffian" Missourians who invaded Kansas, but I might just be making stuff up), I liked them in the way chocolate ice cream with bits of razor blades is enjoyable. Parts are painful, but for the most part, they're OK.

6. When you're in the middle of nowhere, especially in Kansas and Nebraska, chances are you will be able to watch a small cluster of clouds in the distance grow and develop into a large thunderstorm. I like that.

Bad

1. The bridge in Minneapolis collapsed a couple hours after I drove out of town. I did not drive on the bridge, but it's chilling to think that it's possible some of the people I passed on the sidewalks on Tuesday and Wednesday could have been on the bridge.

2. Motel 6. Cheapness in lodging is a fault of mine. I don't typically feel the need to spend a great deal of money for a place to sleep. In fact, I would be perfectly happy sleeping in my car. Unfortunately, my car doesn't have free HBO that I won't watch or a pool I won't swim in. However, it would be a good idea for me to at least graduate to Econolodge.

In the past two years, my adventures at various Motel 6's around the country have included: 1) what appeared to be a bullet hole in the floor (Washington D.C.), 2) a strange man knocking on doors hoping he would be let in (Dallas), 3) mouse poo on the bed sheets (Minneapolis), 4) jackhammers shaking the windows at 9 a.m. (Omaha), 5) another strange man who was smoking in an elevator while wearing a shirt that eloquently stated, "F*** you. I love hatred" (Denver), 6) overly angry cleaning crews (Baton Rouge, I believe, but maybe D.C.), 7) an entire team of 12-year old softball players who creepily referred to themselves in colorful soap on the windshields of their parents' cars as "The Sexy Babies"(Kansas City) and 7) a parking lot so small that many people had to park at an adjacent gas station (Boston).

3. The bug that exploded right in my line of sight on the windshield somewhere in Iowa. It was the size of a small mammal.

4. Apparently the designers of the central Illinois rest areas believed that, on average, human beings are 4-feet tall. That is the only way the bathroom stall doors could possibly be that short. I believe the quote from the guy who walked in and saw the situation was, "Jesus Christ, Illinois! Can we not have some privacy?"

Tuesday, July 17, 2007

It was the greatest thing in the world two years ago. It is the greatest thing in the world now.

Unfortunately, it seems platious.com, the guy's Web site who created this work of genius, is no longer working. At least it made it to Youtube.

Thursday, February 01, 2007

"We are the Mooninites. Advanced beyond all that you can possibly comprehend with 100 percent of your brain."

So when your favorite late night cartoon has an advertisement that creates a terrorist scare and shuts down a section of a large city, how are you supposed to react? What about when the ad features your favorite characters * from said favorite late night cartoon? I don't know, but surely there had to be someone in Boston who stays up late enough to watch Aqua Teen Hunger Force and realized the ad featured Ignignokt and Err, the Mooninites who were flashing you the bird as you drove. But just as pop culturally inept as Bostonians were Wednesday, the Turner Broadcasting people were just as dumb for putting such "devices" on overpasses in these times.

Stupid Earthlings. The Moon Rulz No. 1.



* Carl is tied in the category of my favorite character. "Sweet, sweet nectar. It's like my pool is tearin' ass around the backyard...but it's stayin' still."

Monday, August 07, 2006

Away, away, away down south in Dixie

For the next week and a half, I will be continuing the proud Northern Yankee tradition of invading the South. Like my forefathers did before me, I shall return victorious.

This is my states visited map now...



create your own personalized map of the USA
or check out ourCalifornia travel guide

Soon, it will look like this...



create your own personalized map of the USA
or check out ourCalifornia travel guide


South Carolina is my bald spot.

Tuesday, June 06, 2006

Vacation time

All right. It's been a couple weeks since anything was written here. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I've been busy. And now I'm going on vacation until June 15, so it's going to be even longer until I get back to this. But if you want to keep your watches set to what Daniel Bradley is doing for the next week and a half, here you go.

Tuesday, 6/6: Drive to St. Louis, Cardinals game
Wednesday, 6/7: Drive to Kansas City, Royals game
Thursday, 6/8: Cornfield cornfield cornfield wheatfield cow wheatfield cornfield cornfield wheatfield truckstop cow cornfield drifter cornfield wheatfield, or in other words, a whole lot of flat Kansas until arriving in Denver sometime in the evening.
Friday, 6/9: See Denver, Rockies game
Saturday, 6/10: Explore mountains. Hopefully don't get lost and eaten by bears.
Sunday, 6/11: Drive to Mount Rushmore, see faces of dead white guys carved into the American Indians' sacred Black Hills.
Monday, 6/12: A whole lot of South Dakota and Minnesota until arriving in Minneapolis in the evening.
Tuesday, 6/13: See the Twin Cities, Twins game, avoid drowning in any of the 10,000 lakes.
Wednesday, 6/14: Leave Minneapolis, drive out into the middle of nowhere in Dyersville, Iowa and see the "Field of Dreams" baseball field. Avoid ghosts of dead ballplayers. End up in Rockville, Ill.
Thursday, 6/15: Drive home, go to work.

So there you go. Now you can stalk me all over the Plains states.

Tuesday, April 11, 2006

A ridiculous orange llama-like animal

A woman in Bloomington is suing an alpaca breeding farm in Illinois to tell her the name of her baby alpaca's father. The story explains:

BLOOMINGTON, Ind. (AP) - A barnyard soap opera that arose over an alpaca's paternity is now in court amid demands for the woolly critter's real father to step forward.

Cathy Crosson wants the owners of an Illinois breeding farm to disclose which of its male alpacas sired the year-old offspring of her prized female, Peruvian Lily of the Incas.

She filed a lawsuit last week alleging breach of contract and accusing Likada Farms of Wayne, Ill., of improperly breeding Peruvian Lily and then refusing to identify the offspring's father.

Without the male's name, Crosson said she can't register or sell the young alpaca.


So what exactly is an alpaca? That would be this:



God must have chuckled when He pieced together the alpaca.