Pretend letters to a mean advice lady named Mrs. McFadden
I was married a year ago to my husband, but it appears his attention seems to be waning. It seems that no matter what I do, he ignores me. We recently went out to dinner and the whole time we were eating, he was staring at the 16-year old waitress. I asked him what he thought he was doing, and he shrugged his shoulders as if it were no big deal. I will admit that she easily could have passed for 25, but 1) he is my husband and 2) I'd rather he not get arrested. What do I do?
~Perturbed in Pittsboro
You mentioned the fact you were eating. Stop. If you were eating, you're probably getting fat, so stop eating.
Dear Mrs. McFadden,
My mother-in-law and I have always gotten along and I consider her one of my best friends. However, recently I have become suspicious of her. It seems she is running an illegal drug operation from her house. I never would have thought a sweet old lady would be an international drug lord! My wife passed four years ago, and Sherryl is my lone reminder of my days with Marlene. I don't know what to do. Should I report her?
~Confused in Columbia City
The cocaine particles I found in your envelope belie your concern. Perhaps you should consider taking care of your own problem before complaining about your mother-in-law. You are a drug-infested parasite, so stop writing me. Bitch.
Dear Mrs. McFadden,
I believe that your answer last week to the boy wondering why his father was killed was a bit harsh. To say it was the boy's fault is irresponsible. I hope you will reconsider.
~Angry in Alabama
Really? Well, who's the one making $2 million a year to answer questions from this country's most idiotic people who can't solve their own problems? The boy came to me, and I gave him my opinion. Now I will give you my personal opinion. Please, feel free to rid the world of yourself of ingesting some carbonic acid. Believe me, no one will miss you except the bill collectors.