Friday, September 16, 2005

Pretend letters to a mean advice lady named Mrs. McFadden, Part 2

Dear Mrs. McFadden,
I am a 33-year old woman who has a problem. My boyfriend recently broke up with me, and I have never been this depressed. Ugly thoughts have been going through my head, and I think I might 1) not be good enough and 2) will never be loved again. Am I going to be lonely forever?

Depressed in Delaware

Dear Depressed,
Yes. Perhaps you should just give up now. Now would be the time to buy about 52 cats, let them go to the bathroom all over your house and wait for the neighbors to complain. Have fun!

Mrs. McFadden


Dear Mrs. McFadden,
This may seem like a rather sensitive issue to bring up in a forum such as this, but I will continue. I moved into my new appartment two weeks ago. I have not slept much since due to the couple in the room above me. I think you get what I am saying. Every single night, it is the same damn thing. Their vigorous games of Dungeons and Dragons and the pounding and shouting in victory and defeat are keeping me from getting the sleep I need after I get home from working as the late shift manager at Applebees. In the mornings, I see them as I walk out, and they look at me with sheepish grins. Sure, I liked to play a good game of D&D back in the day, but I was at least considerate to the people who lived around me.

Awake in Abilene

Dear Awake,
There are so many places I could go with this, but I'll try to be as nice as possible after I stop laughing. OK. So that's what they call it now, eh? Well, you might want to, oh God, I can't keep writing. You know what, I suggest you go up and ask to join them in their game of "Dungeons and Dragons" sometime. Tonight, maybe. Perhaps your "skills and feats" will impress them enough. And while you're at it, get a new job. You're such a lowly elf bard. I don't even know what I'm talking about. You people!

God bless,
Mrs. McFadden


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