Monday, November 21, 2005

The Carousel of Death

At work, there are two options for food during 23 hours and 55 minutes of the day. Go out or get lucky and don't die from the vending machine "food." For the other five minutes, the third option is the cafeteria, but rumors of it being open have yet to be proven. The vending machines feature your typical drink and candy bar cuisine, and there is a microwaveable boxed Italian food machine. The one that peaks my curiousity is The Carousel of Death.

The COD has some items that at best pass as food and at worst could kill an entire town of people. My ventures into the COD have been minimal, but I don't normally enjoy eating hamburgers that have been sitting in a vending machine for days. The burgers probably aren't even meat. They couldn't be. They're too shriveled. I don't even want to think about the hot dogs. As a rule, hot dogs are always made from the undesirable animal parts. These, with the plasticized relish and onions, are about three steps below that of ballpark hot dogs. In other words, eating them is probably quite fatal. Also frightening are the sausage breakfast muffins. Nothing more needs to be said about them.

About the only good thing in the COD are the blueberry muffins. Those I will eat because they look safe. Sure, the sugar content will probably put me in a diabetic coma, but that's the chance you take. I haven't seen it in awhile, but when I first began working here, the COD had chili as an option. This is a bad idea because, in general, the gastric systems of journalists are unstable. Some of the most flatulent people I know are journalists. (And I'm using our friend Mr. D.E.P. as an example here. You almost knocked me out several times, buddy.) Add chili to the mix, and there might not be a paper tomorrow. It's hard to be productive when your entire workforce is in the bathroom.

(I haven't read back over those three paragraphs.)


Blogger Lucas Sayre said...

we have a COD at the law school...

3:08 PM  
Blogger Daniel said...

I am rolling on the ground laughing...I do put the stink of death into their air don't I...

4:51 PM  
Blogger Daniel Bradley said...

Pulliam, stink of death is a nice way to put it. :)

2:51 AM  

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