Tuesday, November 15, 2005

The downfall of Ferris Bueller

I wonder what Ferris Bueller is doing right now. Ferris in the corporate world. That's a scary thought. If you figure that Ferris was supposed to be 18 when the movie was made in 1986, he would be 37 years old now. Some might wonder if he shaped up. That perhaps Principal Rooney's tactics turned him around. Probably not. I doubt it. Here is how Ferris Bueller's life went after the movie ended.

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Despite Ferris' complete domination of Principal Rooney, he is still suspended for a week. However, this falls directly into Ferris' plan. No school means more fun. Plus, since Ferris decided to not go to college, he is determined to never go back to high school, so he drops out. Sloane Peterson still sticks with him, and they are married the next year.

It does not go well.

Ferris doesn't get a job. He sits at home and waits on Sloane to make him dinner. Over and over, she asks him to stop looking around and do something with his life. She didn't see it before, but she certainly sees it now. It was a mistake. Four children, not withstanding, this goes on until 2003, when Sloane decides to get a divorce.

After a brief period of sitting around and doing more of nothing, Ferris decides to drive his beat up 1974 Ford Ventura (a far cry from the Ferrari he took on a joy ride back in the day) to Cameron's house. Despite his success, Cam has stuck with Ferris. He credits Ferris for turning his life around that one day back in 1986. Cameron has a life, a family, a good job, money. Cameron has desire. Cameron has everything Ferris wants, but doesn't have the desire to put the effort toward. A couple blocks from Cameron's house, Ferris becomes despondant. Rather than continuing, he turns around and starts driving west.

Eventually, his car barely moving, Ferris arrives in San Francisco. Nobody knows he's here. Why bother telling anyone? Do they even care anymore after everything he's done, or not done? He's not sure what to do, so he sets up as a street performer in Height Ashbury, dancing to "Twist and Shout" for whatever change passersby will give him. He doesn't make much. After three weeks, Ferris turns to petty crime, stealing and grifting people for a little bit here and a little bit there. He even gets a job at a local department store. It's enough to find a weathered appartment with spiders, cockroaches, bad plumbing and neighbors who fight loudly day and night. He never sleeps and he has no one to turn to. Nearing 40 with no prospects and too much regret, the loneliness of his existence begins to get to Ferris. What if? What if? What if?

Several times a day, he picks up the phone to call Sloane, but hangs up at the first ring. He just wants to make things right. If he could just convince her to come out to San Francisco. But does he really want her to see this place? One time, he stayed on until someone answered. Apparently, Sloane found someone new. Ferris goes on a rampage, throwing the phone out the window, breaking his lamps and anything else within reach. Hearing the ruckus, Ferris' landlord marches up and bangs at the door. Ferris is evicted. Now he really has no place to go. Walking through the late night San Francisco fog, Ferris hatches a plan. It's a last resort. The next morning, his 37th birthday, Ferris steals a car, hot-wires it, drives to the Golden Gate Bridge, parks it diagonally across the lanes backing up traffic for miles, stands on the railing and jumps with television helicopters hovering above. Ferris Bueller is dead.

After his body is recovered, the coroner finds a note sealed in a plastic bag taped to Ferris' stomach. It reads:

"To whom it may concern: I was once very popular. The sportos, the motorheads, geeks, sluts, bloods, waistoids, dweebies, dickheads - they all adored me. They thought I was a righteous dude. But I had everything mistaken. I thought everything would be given to me, but really, everything was taken. And it was completely my fault. Yes, life goes fast and you have to stop and look around, but you can't just stop. I stopped. And I'm sorry. I'm sorry to all those I disappointed. They set up "Save Ferris" signs, and I betrayed them. When I really needed help, no one could trust me. To Cameron, you were always right. Even when I made fun of you, you were always right. To my parents, thank you for caring for me even when you had to know I was lying about my fever. To my sister Jeannie, you were a raging bitch from time to time, but I loved you and you are cool because you kicked Rooney in the balls. To my children, work hard and have fun doing it. To Sloane, for all the times I refused to say it, I'm sorry. I love you all. Ferris."


Blogger Daniel said...


9:17 AM  

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