Thursday, November 10, 2005

The worst story ever written

I'm writing this with one eye shut because it burns. It was dry before I splashed some water in it. It was dry before I accidentally got a glob of soap in it whilst washing my face. I am a moron. I am a tired moron, and I don't really know what else to say, so I will leave you with something I wrote in April. After an especially bad story came into Dawgnet, I made a bet with Amber Butler and Marcy Wilhelm that I could write the worst newspaper story ever. This is what resulted after 10 minutes...

University project helps save the cats

By Daniel Bradley

INDIANAPOLIS --- There is a new project that Butler University is doing to help save the cats.

People say that cats are nice and other people say that cats are mean. But both can agree that only really mean people want to shoot the cats.

"Only really mean people want to shoot the cats," Society for Harboring Innocent Tabbies (S.H.I.T.) president Allison Romeneski said. "I love cats."

Romenseski commented that people who do not like cats are weird and that cats are awesome.

"Those people are just so weird and cats are awesome," she exclaimed. "I hope those people die painful deaths."

S.H.I.T was begun as a response to the people’s cry for help in saving cats. Not everyone likes S.H.I.T., however, because they say it is unnecessary.

"If you take a really close look at S.H.I.T., you see that it leaves a pretty bad taste in your mouth," Project for the Annihilation of Cats supreme leader and Campus Crusade for Christ head Thomas McCarnovich said. "Cats are the devil, and S.H.I.T. is the devil’s prophet. We must slay the devil and flush S.H.I.T. out of Butler."

But a ton of people might not believe that cats are really that bad.

Cats were originated in the lands of ancient Egypt or the Sahara Desert where they maybe or maybe not built the pyramids. They were good there, and they could probably be good here two.

"Cats are good everywhere. They eat mice," Romeneski conjured.

Mice cause the plague, and the plague killed quite a lot of people.

The ghost of a plague victim said he wished there had been more cats around when he lived.

"I might be alive today had there been more cats in my village. But when you consider the time I lived and the life expectancy, I’m guessing not. It was a good thought, though," the ghost of Vincente Palacios said.

But for everything that is talked about, cats will live on unlike that guy.

# # #

Eye update: Good news is the burning has subsided. Bad news is that it now feels like a dagger is puncturing it.


Blogger Lucas Sayre said...

Haha, simply brilliant Bradley. I liked how you wrote what people said before actually directly quoting them right thereafter.

7:16 AM  

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