Sunday, January 29, 2006

The 2006 NCAA Champion Butler Bulldogs

Butler defeated Elon, which defeated Furman, which defeated North Dakota State, which defeated Wisconsin, which defeated Marquette, which defeated No. 1 Connecticut. Thus, Butler is the best team in the country. Just stop the season now, and give the Bulldogs the trophy.

And I would just like to say that no one has known tedious until they've typed about 30 column inches of high school wrestling sectional results. It's three hours of pure, unbridled fun.

Monday, January 23, 2006

Adventures In Late Night Television

Alan Alda is currently the host of a program on PBS about how people overcome overeating disorders. Among these include gastric bypass surgery, which they just showed being performed. Why did they choose Alan Alda? When I think "overeating" or "grazing behavior," the image of Alan Alda doesn't normally appear in my mind. Perhaps Mr. Alda is appearing on my television screen at almost 3 a.m. mixed with surgery scenes due to his starring in M*A*S*H. Maybe not. It's just a little strange.

Actually, it seems he hosts the "Scientific American Frontiers" program, so that explains it. Alan Alda will be delving into caverns next time.

# # #

Here is what else is on TV at 3 a.m. I'll stop when I get bored with it. It's more for my own benefit, so feel free to stop reading now if you wish.

Ch. 2 ESPN: The 1973 Super Bowl. Maybe the Dolphins won't win this time!
Ch. 3 PBS: Alan Alda show
Ch. 4 WTTV: Off the air
Ch. 5 ABC: Some late, late, late night news show. Doesn't appear to be taped. I feel sorry for them. They look tired.
Ch. 6 Religion Station: A show about the Shroud of Turin, but there is a loud beeping sound and no voices.
Ch. 7 CBS: Another late, late, late night news show. Does appear to be taped.
Ch. 8 QVC: They're selling barbecue. That seems like a strange thing to sell this late at night.
Ch. 9 Religion Station: "The largest collection of gospel music ever sold!"
Ch. 10 Don't know: "Thank you very much U.S. Auto Credit!"
Ch. 11 Fox: Off the air
Ch. 12 NBC: Future president Barak Obama on a replay of Meet the Press.
Ch. 13 Education Channel: Flashing beams of light. Trace-inducing. Staring. Staring. Uhhh....what? Onto the next channel!
Ch. 14: Doesn't exist. BACK TO THE FLASHING LIGHTS OF 13!
Ch. 15 Don't know: Chuck Norris advertising weight equipment. Amazing. Just amazing.
Ch. 16 Public access: Meeting of the Alcoholic Beverage Board of Marion County.
Ch. 17 Shopping Channel: Selling computers.
Ch. 18 Univision: A Spanish speaking talk show. My one semester of Spanish taught me nothing.
Ch. 19 E!: Tara Reid speaking French. I don't know.
Ch. 20 Education Channel: MORE FLASHING LIGHTS! THE SAME AS 13! *drooling trance*
Ch. 21 Don't know: Peaceful water scene with soothing music. That's nice.
Ch. 22: Doesn't exist.
Ch. 23 CSPAN 2: They're showing a chart. Not real sure what it is.
Ch. 24 Weather Channel: They're talking about weather.
Ch. 25 Scrambled HBO: "Heh, heh! Dude, I think I see a boob. Heh, heh!"
Ch. 26 FX: X-Files movie. Mulder: "You kept me honest! You made me a whole person!" Mulder and Scully are going to make out until...she gets stung by a bee!
Ch. 27 SkyTrak Weather: More weather stuff.
Ch. 28: Doesn't exist.
Ch. 29 TBS: Fried Green Tomatoes. Buddy just got hit by the train.
Ch. 30 TNT: Tom Selleck movie. He apparently got shot, but if my mom were here, she'd be swooning.
Ch. 31 Don't know: Liberty Bell Flea Market commercial.
Ch. 32 Shopping channel: "This is a $39.95 value! THIS IS SUCH A DEAL!"
Ch. 33 Don't know: Cold medicine commercial.
Ch. 34 Game Show Network: Some old game show where they're running a toy car in circles.
Ch. 35 Comedy: I don't know. It might be Mad TV.
Ch. 36 Shopping channel: There are way too many of these.
Ch. 37 Court TV: "...the serial killer goes on the prowl again."

I give up. That's enough.

Sunday, January 22, 2006

An open letter to the squirrel who lives in my yard

Dear Squirrel,

My friend, we have gone over this before. And don't try to intimidate me with your incessant chirping and chittering. You have tried that before, and it doesn't work. OK. Here it is, right out into the open.

The corn is for you. The bird feeders are for the birds. Got it? It's really pretty simple.

Now I realize you are a wild creature. Your ancesters ate whatever they wanted to eat. For all I know, they ate grizzly bears and got away with it. However, stay away from the bird seed. You're scaring the birds away, and you're just irritating me. I understand that it is a feat of strength for you to ascend the pole to the feeder, but my amazement is always short-lived.

I like squirrels. Despite the fact one of your kind once chased me, I have always been very pro-squirrel. Subsequently, this is a disagreement I have with you personally, not your entire species.

Additionally, and this is of great concern to mine, you have become increasingly intrepid recently in how you approach the house. Consider this a pre-emptive strike. It is winter. It is cold. However, you must not attempt to enter my house. Consider yourself a neighbor, not a houseguest. Good neighbors have solid barriers between them, and we can be friendly, but that is as far as I am going with our relationship. You can scratch and claw all you want, but I'm not letting you in. That's it. Final. Over. End of discussion.

Afterall, being inside the house is not much of an improvement over being outside. Frankly, it's cold in here. The windows are bad, and the heater does not seem to do it's job. In a way, I envy you. You have fur and are predispositioned to surviving in cold weather. All I have are clothes, and as I am not good at laundry, when my warm clothes are scarce, I freeze. You're pretty lucky, squirrel. Unfortunately, you do not seem to want to realize this.

But look, I don't want to trap you like the raccoons, but if you take this any farther, I might not have any choice. Granted, it will be a live trap because I am rather kind-hearted, but I don't think you'll like it. And don't even think of making messes in protest. But look, I promise not to trap you if you promise to leave the birds alone and stay out of my house. While you're at it, leave the neighbor's cat alone. She's nervous enough as it is than to have you chasing her around.

We can make this work, you and me. Our first impressions were sullied by our disagreements, but I really think we can move on. Like I said, consider yourself a neighbor. And I'll do the same. I hope you agree.

Take care,


Sunday, January 08, 2006


Thanks to the controversy the new TV show "The Book of Daniel" is creating, my name is appearing in quite a lot of headlines these days. Here is a sampling...

"'Daniel' mixes religion, politics; comedy, drama" (The Chicago Tribune)
"'Daniel' can't duck the culture wars" (Los Angeles Times)
"The ordeals of 'Daniel'" (CNN)
"Viewers speak out on 'Daniel'" (NBC)
"'Daniel' quirky, controversial" (Cincinnati Enquirer)
"Irreverent, ambitious 'Daniel' doesn't do anything by the book (WTOP)
"'Daniel' not devine" (Wilkes-Berre Times Leader)
"'Daniel' shows mankind's frailties" (Sioux City Journal)
"Two NBC affiliates in South join crusade against 'Daniel'" (Chicago Sun-Times)

And my favorite for many reasons...

"What's to dislike about 'Daniel'? Everything." (The Indianapolis Star)

You know what's going to happen, don't you? In six weeks, the show will be off the air because it's so poorly made and no one will ever remember it. Just like 99 percent of all the shows that appear on television.