Sunday, January 22, 2006

An open letter to the squirrel who lives in my yard

Dear Squirrel,

My friend, we have gone over this before. And don't try to intimidate me with your incessant chirping and chittering. You have tried that before, and it doesn't work. OK. Here it is, right out into the open.

The corn is for you. The bird feeders are for the birds. Got it? It's really pretty simple.

Now I realize you are a wild creature. Your ancesters ate whatever they wanted to eat. For all I know, they ate grizzly bears and got away with it. However, stay away from the bird seed. You're scaring the birds away, and you're just irritating me. I understand that it is a feat of strength for you to ascend the pole to the feeder, but my amazement is always short-lived.

I like squirrels. Despite the fact one of your kind once chased me, I have always been very pro-squirrel. Subsequently, this is a disagreement I have with you personally, not your entire species.

Additionally, and this is of great concern to mine, you have become increasingly intrepid recently in how you approach the house. Consider this a pre-emptive strike. It is winter. It is cold. However, you must not attempt to enter my house. Consider yourself a neighbor, not a houseguest. Good neighbors have solid barriers between them, and we can be friendly, but that is as far as I am going with our relationship. You can scratch and claw all you want, but I'm not letting you in. That's it. Final. Over. End of discussion.

Afterall, being inside the house is not much of an improvement over being outside. Frankly, it's cold in here. The windows are bad, and the heater does not seem to do it's job. In a way, I envy you. You have fur and are predispositioned to surviving in cold weather. All I have are clothes, and as I am not good at laundry, when my warm clothes are scarce, I freeze. You're pretty lucky, squirrel. Unfortunately, you do not seem to want to realize this.

But look, I don't want to trap you like the raccoons, but if you take this any farther, I might not have any choice. Granted, it will be a live trap because I am rather kind-hearted, but I don't think you'll like it. And don't even think of making messes in protest. But look, I promise not to trap you if you promise to leave the birds alone and stay out of my house. While you're at it, leave the neighbor's cat alone. She's nervous enough as it is than to have you chasing her around.

We can make this work, you and me. Our first impressions were sullied by our disagreements, but I really think we can move on. Like I said, consider yourself a neighbor. And I'll do the same. I hope you agree.

Take care,

Daniel

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