Tuesday, March 21, 2006

A letter urging Vice President Dick Cheney that he eat Trader Joe's chicken noodle soup because I like it and I think he would, too

Dear Mr. Vice President,

You don't know me, but I know you. Well, I don't really know you, but I know you through the TV and the various articles I've read about you. You might say I'm quite the admirer. The scrapbook I made of your accolades would support that. Some say I'm obsessed, but no, no I'm not. You're my vice president, and my hero. I had sympathy pains when you shot that man. I mean, I, I really felt bad. For most lesser mortals, it might have ruined their careers, but you've managed to become untouchable. That's what I want to accomplish: to be untouchable in my quest for world domination. I'm sure you'd understand.

But my ambitions are not the point of this letter. Rather, I would like to suggest to you Trader Joe's chicken noodle soup. Not only does it have chunks of chicken, egg noodles, diced carrots, celery and onions mixed in a hearty chicken broth that is a meal in and of itself, Mr. Cheney, Trader Joe's chicken noodle soup has a full-bodied flavor that will leave you satisfied. I think you'd like it. Nay, I KNOW you'd love it. Dick, if I may be so informal, you've had some health problems that scare me everyday. I can't bare the thought of our country losing you. I can't bear the thought of me losing you. So if you would, try some of this soup. Not only is it good, but it is nutritious, unlike the regular grocery store brands like Campbell's that are full of salt. You have to watch those things at your age. But regardless, just try some of this soup. After you eat some of it, you'll be tempted to pull out a huge "MISSION ACCOMPLISHED...I HAVE FOUND AWESOME SOUP" banner to hang on the White House. But please try some. I'm sure you'll enjoy it.

Warmest regards,

Daniel Bradley

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What? I didn't tell you I became a Republican? Well, I did. Who needs logic and reason when you can have world domination and big freaking guns that blow up lots of stuff? I mean, I woke up this morning and realized the thought of the military-industrial complex makes me wet my pants in excitement. All those wasted years as a liberal pacifist. What was I thinking? Hail Bush!

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Finally, finding pictures like this on message boards is what makes the Internet great...

2 Comments:

Blogger Diesel said...

Dude, I love your fucking blog.

But ... this is killing me ...

It's "bear" the thought.

I know, I know ... you could find 14,000,000 grammatical mistakes on my blog, too. I'm really not doing it to be a dick; it's just that you made it twice, and I'm one of those assholes that has to correct everything.

Again, love your blog.

5:53 PM  
Blogger Daniel Bradley said...

Ahhh, thanks for noticing that. I should have caught
it myself considering I'm paid to make sure there
aren't mistakes in the newspaper.

And thanks for the compliment about this blog. I
usually just write here for my own amusement, which
made it really funny to me when I was looking at
Deadspin earlier this week and saw I was linked there.
That was a nice surprise to see in the morning.

Thanks, again.

1:16 PM  

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